Finally.
Sadness has given me the courage and the inspiration to write.
I pulled out a memory that was deep embedded in my brain earlier.
Something that when I said it out loud, I was so frivolous, so casual about it.
Because that is my childhood. It is traumatic. But in my world, it's completely normal. And I wish that I could just spill everything out to someone. I do remember. I remember bits. And God knows what I don't remember.
Here come the water works...right on cue...
I'm crying like a child. I wish I didn't have to cry anymore. Sometimes, I think i've cried enough for now.
I am so weak.
I am so fucked up.
And I know, that it's not even my fault.
What my parents did to me. What they have done.
I wish that I had not have been born, for I fear, so much, that I will do to my children what they did to me.
What is the point in my existance. I am a failure at everything.
How could anyone ever love me? This stupid accident. This stupid piece of shit wasn't even supposed to be born but damn those doctors for living up to the hypocratic oath. They probably knew it too. I'm not supposed to be here.
I wish I didn't have these memories. Because no one really understands. How could they? All these things I carry around inside. And because of them, it makes me a bad person.
It's times like these, when I just wish I could sleep forever.
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"I wish I didn't have these memories. Because no one really understands. How could they? All these things I carry around inside. And because of them, it makes me a bad person.
ReplyDeleteIt's times like these, when I just wish I could sleep forever."
Someone wise once told me something profound about memories (which you may or may not believe, it doesn't matter).
He said that the memories we carry around with us through life are 'living things'. Whether they're good or bad memories, they're still both 'alive'. If we indulge these memories with attention and rememberence, it's the equivalent of feeding them, and so they grow, expand and take over all other memories...
So if we feed the bad memories with attention, we're allowing them to grow and spread their roots through us. BUT, if we starve those bad memories and completely loose ourselves in our favourite memories, so the opposite will occur.
No one understands you completely, no. But you're not a bad person because of your past. That's nonsense.
Starve those nasty, hurtful memories. Let the happy memories blossom and let your mind become a garden of reborn memories with all their baby flowers blooming.
Don't sleep forever, at least, not without me.
xxxx
I love you x
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