I wonder what I did in a past life.
I am paying for my sins.
I am here, on this barren wasteland. Able bodied. Perfectly functioning.
Trapped. Within that body.
Witnessing everybody I love fall down.
And i'll just carry on.
Alone.
Grieving.
This is such a cruel punishment.
Monday, 21 September 2009
Friday, 18 September 2009
Amoeba
I adorn a frown upon my face.
Whether that makes sense. I do not care.
I am sad.
Chemical imbalances in my body. Lack of synaptic activity.
I fear the tears are about to roll.
And so, I am putting on Blue Planet.
To watch creatures, that have the luxury of not computing human emotion.
And I will not have my sleeping tablet (because I don't have any!).
And I will go to bed.
And that is the story of another insignificant being.
Whether that makes sense. I do not care.
I am sad.
Chemical imbalances in my body. Lack of synaptic activity.
I fear the tears are about to roll.
And so, I am putting on Blue Planet.
To watch creatures, that have the luxury of not computing human emotion.
And I will not have my sleeping tablet (because I don't have any!).
And I will go to bed.
And that is the story of another insignificant being.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Nostalgia
Dear Diary
I am sooooo in love with this guy. He's called Ben. Tonight, I went over to his house, and we just like, hung out in his room all night. And we talked, and we laughed and we cuddled and we totally kissed (like, with tongues and everything!). It was so cool!
I don't think i've ever felt this passionately and lovingly about anybody else in my entire life. And I don't think I ever will.
THE END
*** fin ***
But in all seriousness.
Life has resumed it's usual tidal flow.
My routine is back in place. Benjamin (I think), although is in pain, is at least a little happier. This is perhaps why the blogging has disintergrated. There is nothing to write about that would enthral you. There is no 'drama'. And as much as I usually love 'drama', i'm quite content in resting in this period of peace for now. All I think about is him. And I love that. I think that this is as good as it gets. Mental ailments taken into consideration.
And so, I will sail.
I am sooooo in love with this guy. He's called Ben. Tonight, I went over to his house, and we just like, hung out in his room all night. And we talked, and we laughed and we cuddled and we totally kissed (like, with tongues and everything!). It was so cool!
I don't think i've ever felt this passionately and lovingly about anybody else in my entire life. And I don't think I ever will.
THE END
*** fin ***
But in all seriousness.
Life has resumed it's usual tidal flow.
My routine is back in place. Benjamin (I think), although is in pain, is at least a little happier. This is perhaps why the blogging has disintergrated. There is nothing to write about that would enthral you. There is no 'drama'. And as much as I usually love 'drama', i'm quite content in resting in this period of peace for now. All I think about is him. And I love that. I think that this is as good as it gets. Mental ailments taken into consideration.
And so, I will sail.
Friday, 11 September 2009
Hi Again!
Dear Blog.
I haven't forgotten about you.
Far from it. In fact, ridiculously, I've felt guilty for abandoning you.
This isn't your fault.
It's mine.
I've been trying to ignore all my feelings, bottling them up inside my head and pretending they don't exist in a hands over the ears 'la la la la' kinda fashion.
Well, tonight, I exploded. Or imploded. I don't know which.
And boy howdy.
Boy howdy, do I love Benjamin. For being so understanding. For not thinking that I'm a complete and utter psycho. An insane, insecure freak, with far too much baggage. An annoying woman.
I love him so much. It's perplexing. I was expecting him to hate me. But he didn't.
I guess it's because I'm with a genuinely nice guy. Which is something new. Something privileged. And something I'm going to have to learn to live with.
I'll never be worthy of him.
I've applied for a job. A proper job. A real job. With a salary. Doing something that I actually want to do, that I might enjoy. I want to start building a future for Ben and I. There's no point screwing around anymore. This is serious stuff. I think I've actually entered 'life'.
Fingers crossed.
I haven't forgotten about you.
Far from it. In fact, ridiculously, I've felt guilty for abandoning you.
This isn't your fault.
It's mine.
I've been trying to ignore all my feelings, bottling them up inside my head and pretending they don't exist in a hands over the ears 'la la la la' kinda fashion.
Well, tonight, I exploded. Or imploded. I don't know which.
And boy howdy.
Boy howdy, do I love Benjamin. For being so understanding. For not thinking that I'm a complete and utter psycho. An insane, insecure freak, with far too much baggage. An annoying woman.
I love him so much. It's perplexing. I was expecting him to hate me. But he didn't.
I guess it's because I'm with a genuinely nice guy. Which is something new. Something privileged. And something I'm going to have to learn to live with.
I'll never be worthy of him.
I've applied for a job. A proper job. A real job. With a salary. Doing something that I actually want to do, that I might enjoy. I want to start building a future for Ben and I. There's no point screwing around anymore. This is serious stuff. I think I've actually entered 'life'.
Fingers crossed.
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