Untitled

I am a child

I dream in fluorescent colours and songs of angels.
I already see who I am, who he will be.
I’ll make many more mistakes before it is our time. Our time.
I know you’re there, I’m coming. Don’t leave without me!

I am a teenager

You must have been looking for me as I were for you.
I’m sure I’ve lived a life with you before.
You are exactly as I dreamed you would.
We love, like the young love.

I am a woman

We are mature, we are many more!
Grown ups, grown up.
We eat, we sleep, we laugh, we share together now, in sync.
Surely, our lives just can’t get any better than this!

I am breathing my last breaths now

My eyes have wrinkled, but they are the eyes from years before.
Do, hold my hand, my darling, do hold it tight.
You have not left my body, nor mine left yours.
Thank you, my sweetheart, for giving me the pleasure of your soul.

I am dust.
And I can’t wait to meet you again, my boyfriend, my husband, my one true love.

- For Him x

Third Thought.

BBC One. Ben Fogle...
...I wont go there...

Second Thought.

So I just flicked over to the news. And how ridiculous is this?! Micheal Jackson is dead and everyone is in floods of tears and being so prim and proper and respectful and 'genuinely' saddened by this terrific loss.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?

I mean, firstly, I think it's fanbaddytastic that the media who frenzied over him holding that baby over the balcony and alledgedly being a pedophile are now on the other side paying the respects and giving him their deepest sympathy.

And number two. Why in God's name is life only celebrated and recognised in death? I could sing the most beautiful song and people would only appreciate it after I was gone and unable to hear their appreciation. Life is a race and every moment, every second should be appreciated. I don't wanna hear a eulogy at my funeral quite frankly because I wont. Shove my body in the ground and that's my carcass finished with. I want to hear everything now, so I can savour it. And this should apply to everyone in the world.

Death is so selfishly sad for those left here to carry on in the race.

SCRUBS!!!!

TONIGHT : Perry just went crazy at a guy with bone cancer who was declining treatment. Fucking programme. I'm gonna switch to Loose Women and learn some real stuff...
God damn television.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe, it's because it's been a year today.
It probably has. Yet I can remember it all as clear as yesterday. But I can't and don't want to remember exactly when.
Maybe it's because Scrubs has mentioned the word LEUKAEMIA three times in three separate episodes today. Three people out of six diagnosed with it. STOP SAYING THAT FUCKING WORD.
I want to murder whoever gave this to such a beautiful child. boy. man.
And because that is impossible. I want to have his leukaemia. Give it to me and let me suffer instead of him because i have nothing in this world to offer and he has the world to give. I have to take it from him like a lit torch. I want to. I give myself up.
I WANT IT. PASS IT ON. I WILL DIE FOR IT.

The morning after

I am awake and sober.
I am also incredibly surprised that i'm not wrapped in my usual blanket of guilt after telling everyone exactly what i thought of them last night. Because I didn't say anything wrong. I didn't name call. I told them each individually why they had hurt me and why I left without saying goodbye.
And what's even weirder, is that i'm looking forward to playing actress at work. As if nothing is wrong. Well, afterall, it's something to do isn't it?
However, one must not be fooled. Knowing myself better than anyone else, I know that right now, I am scowling, because I am jam packed full of emotion, and it will only take the smallest thing to push me into a state of psychotic panic. Afterall, I've just told ALL of my friends to fuck off basically.
Nevermind. Let the day begin. Let it end. 11 hours or so and I can be sat back safely in my bed.

NEW REVELATION

I don't need anybody.
I don't need friends.
Friends, are people who can slip in and out of your life depending on what suits them. Whether they need money. Whether they are bored. Whether they want to fit in with the majority. Whether they're just out to impress someone equally as low as them.
There are few people who will hang around just for you.
Sammy is the only person that I really truly trust after tonight's life lesson.

FUCK EVERYONE.

The Sims music is playing in my head.

Hairy legs.
Greasy, spotty face.
Open, heaving mouth.
Bloated stomach.

Considering the only thing I care about is being beautiful and ready for my Prince Charming, I guess this means I give up.

And on. And on. And on.

I got all this stuff buzzing through my head and it's driving me insane so maybe if i empty it, i'll feel better.

I want to be thin. I need to work out. And I need to stop eating. I want to be thin and beautiful. I want everyone to stare at me and want to be me.
I want medication to sedate my head. I don't want to come off them at any point. I want the perfect medication. I want to erase what is left of my personality.
I want to work hard at uni and be a psychologist. I want to study buddhism and spirituality and conciousness and combine them all somehow in one huge massive interesting finale in a few years time.
I want to be pretty.
I want to get married.
I want to be loved. I don't want to be on my own anymore.
I want to die because all of these things are so daunting and impossible and I can't carry on with mediocre wins. I need something.
I want to have a million books and DVDs and display them in my house.
I don't want to make it past the end of the year.
I just want to be thin.
Must get rid of the new voice inside my head.
I must throw everything out. All of my things.
I want a clean slate.
I want to know the answers to all these questions that I have.
I want the questions to disappear.
Unattainable.
I want to go to sleep. Awake to another pointless day. Then end up back here tomorrow night doing the same old thing feeling the same old way and being able to congratulate myself that I made it through another waste of space day.
I'm wasting too much oxygen on this Earth. Too much space. Too many things I'm wasting. These all need to be passed onto someone more deserving. Too much stuff everywhere. I need to get rid of everything. I need to do something about it all. I hope I will.

My Request.

To whom ever is listening.
And i'm not talking to the nosey blog reader. I'm talking to the person above me, surrounding me, bigger than I. Listen to the morse code of my heart and please grant it's one true desire.
I have but one shred of faith left in this planet and this existance. Not even so much as to beg. Just to ask.
I ask of you. Who. Him. Her.

It's like sending a radio signal into space. Even if it ever is recieved, i'll be long gone.

A second of 'peace'

I love him.
I miss him.

And thankfully. This is all she is thinking about for the time being.

I should be asleep. I need to sleep.

Oh God. How do I even begin to describe what I am feeling? What I have discovered. I am a sandwich. Three molecules, seperate, but together making a 'human'. Vessel, mind, and essence. Those three things are supposed to be melded into one to make said 'human', but mine have drifted apart. I am my essence and I am concious of all of this, but without connection to the other two parts, it is useless. It is like screaming into a vacuum. My body is continously exhausted and run down and desperate to sleep and be at peace, but my mind just wont stop. It wont stop chattering and my essence is stuck, crying. How the hell am I supposed to explain this to a GP, the only person who can make me gel again. Nobody understands. Nobody.

Hmph

Daylight quickly now fading. Lack of enthusiasm just shot by someone who really shouldn't have this much control over me. I am a fucking marionette and everyone around me has got a hold on one of my strings. If I had any free will, i would drive my car into a fucking wall and prey to God this so called daylight is the last I ever see.

Quel Problem?

Problem number one: I am experiencing today, something very profound and new. I am concious, and fully aware that my brain and my body are not releasing enough chemicals to make me into a 'normal', 'happy', 'functional' human being. Thus, I feel the mad urge to break my body into tiny pieces for doing this to me. I am stuck in layers and layers of spider web so desperate to break out and I can't. I worry about what this may lead to.
Problem number two: I dunno. In films and stuff and the things we are brought up on and made to believe, pretty people who are exactly the same end up together in perfect relationships and live happily ever after. I wonder what taboo I am breaking. Whether it's me or my heart. Do I want someone to look after, or does my heart actually desire Benjamin. Well, typing it has in fact answered it in my mind. But I dunno, I just look at couples, and i'm just 'what the fuck!', he could do much better than her, what is she doing with him. Fucking teenage culture. What an age we live in. I want a man who will take me to the dance and want nothing more than a kiss on the cheek after walking me to my doorstep.
I am high on more codiene that i found lying around. Thus, i'm gonna give myself a big dose of SHUTTUP-EY