Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Bliss, continued.
How can something so simple and normal and routine to most people mean so much to me. Last night, and this morning. We awoke at 10:30, just so we could spend some time together before I had to start rush rush rushing to work. I made breakfast and coffee. I made the coffee properly too! And we had a cigarette and then cuddled up and watched peep show. Ahh peep show. How it was my obsession in the down days and how lovely it is to be able to watch it with my lover. This morning was the best morning i've had this year.
I'm so stoked to be in this relationship. I feel so blessed to be a part of this relationship. I don't dare call it a relationship. Because it's not. It's something much bigger. Much more exciting. Much more unfamiliar because it really is that amazing.
I wanted to write some poetry tonight and i'd been planning out starters in my head, but i'm so tired. Plus, another day, is another day that I get to send wonderful messages to my boy. My lover. My boyfriend. My best friend. My soul mate.
Oh God I am so in love. One day I will pop!
I'm so stoked to be in this relationship. I feel so blessed to be a part of this relationship. I don't dare call it a relationship. Because it's not. It's something much bigger. Much more exciting. Much more unfamiliar because it really is that amazing.
I wanted to write some poetry tonight and i'd been planning out starters in my head, but i'm so tired. Plus, another day, is another day that I get to send wonderful messages to my boy. My lover. My boyfriend. My best friend. My soul mate.
Oh God I am so in love. One day I will pop!
=)
My baby is sat here right here next to me.
Bliss :) I want this night to never ever end. And i'm probably gonna stay up as long as I possibly can to forge that
Bliss :) I want this night to never ever end. And i'm probably gonna stay up as long as I possibly can to forge that
Friday, 22 May 2009
You can't always get what you want.
My mind is empty. Void of thought. Which you thought would have been comforting in some way, but it's not. I'm in a bit of a stupor. Expressionless. Unable to communicate. Trapped inside my own body today. I can't voice myself. Or maybe, there's just nothing in there to voice.
You know what tonight's thought is?
How much of a fucking fuck up I really am and how all I ever do is sabotage and fuck up every single thing in my god damned life. What the hell is the point?
Bear Grylls taken the last of my emergency codiene and it's kicking in.
God dammit I never ever ever ever ever want to fuck things up again and lose that boy.
Bear Grylls taken the last of my emergency codiene and it's kicking in.
God dammit I never ever ever ever ever want to fuck things up again and lose that boy.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Today's Thoughts
Today's thoughts my children, are on the subject of faith.
Upon return to my bedroom on New Years Day/the morning after. I switched off my television, I clasped my hands together, and I prayed for the first time in a very long time. I'd previously given up on 'him' when I'd spent a good two weeks begging for Benj to not have Leukaemia. But this was such a horrific thing for him not to listen to, I kinda 'gave up. But no.
Every single night for exactly 112 days, I went through the nightly ritual of saying my prayers. I prayed for his health and his happiness. I prayed for a good day at work. I prayed for the people I saw on biased documentaries on the television. I prayed for my parents. I prayed for Ben's parents. I prayed for Tom. But most importantly, every single night, I asked that Benj and I could be brought back together. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, I asked. But the night Benj took his overdose, I stopped. Fuck 'him'. Fuck everything 'he's' done to me and Ben. Fuck it all, it's just a game.
BUT.
Here we are.
And, like. During this same course of time, I never gave up on Benj. Everybody told me to leave it alone, just give up and move on. I fought everyone on this like i'd fought for nothing else in my life. I have remained faithful to my love for him.
So. I wonder. Tonight. Do I thank God? Is this his work? Or is it my own?
I think i'm leading onto the idea of faith vs. fate.
Upon return to my bedroom on New Years Day/the morning after. I switched off my television, I clasped my hands together, and I prayed for the first time in a very long time. I'd previously given up on 'him' when I'd spent a good two weeks begging for Benj to not have Leukaemia. But this was such a horrific thing for him not to listen to, I kinda 'gave up. But no.
Every single night for exactly 112 days, I went through the nightly ritual of saying my prayers. I prayed for his health and his happiness. I prayed for a good day at work. I prayed for the people I saw on biased documentaries on the television. I prayed for my parents. I prayed for Ben's parents. I prayed for Tom. But most importantly, every single night, I asked that Benj and I could be brought back together. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, I asked. But the night Benj took his overdose, I stopped. Fuck 'him'. Fuck everything 'he's' done to me and Ben. Fuck it all, it's just a game.
BUT.
Here we are.
And, like. During this same course of time, I never gave up on Benj. Everybody told me to leave it alone, just give up and move on. I fought everyone on this like i'd fought for nothing else in my life. I have remained faithful to my love for him.
So. I wonder. Tonight. Do I thank God? Is this his work? Or is it my own?
I think i'm leading onto the idea of faith vs. fate.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Here's to you. My beautiful sunchild.
Oh how I adore you. With every inch and fibre and strand of my soul.
Oh how you amaze me, by being the bravest, deepest, sweetest man I know.
Oh how you make me feel, like no one else has ever ever done before.
Oh how I love you my darling, my angel, my sweetheart, my all.
x
Haha. Swear down, I just started typing and that appeared.
My muse.
Oh gosh how i love him. It's completely indescribable what he makes me feel. It must be love.
Oh how you amaze me, by being the bravest, deepest, sweetest man I know.
Oh how you make me feel, like no one else has ever ever done before.
Oh how I love you my darling, my angel, my sweetheart, my all.
x
Haha. Swear down, I just started typing and that appeared.
My muse.
Oh gosh how i love him. It's completely indescribable what he makes me feel. It must be love.
Blog on, before I bog off
'cus you know me. I do love a quickie every now and again.
Which brings me to my point.
Ibiza.
You know, I was bear grylls up for it when Henry and I originally planned it. But things change. I don't know. Part of the reason I am so adverse to going is that i'm going to miss someone very special, and I don't want him to be worrying about me either. And secondly, I dunno. When Ben and I were sat looking through the brochure earlier, and like, everyone is just out to get their pants off and get STD's. I think when I originally dreamed up the idea, I thought it would be a few mates getting drunk in a different environment, but as it turns out, that's not how it's gonna roll.
Seven days is a long time.
I've ordered two hefty books. As long as I come back well read, with a tan and some cool pictures and the stamp in my passport, I will be happy. And I am coming to terms with the fact that this may be seven days I spend predominantly on my own.
I am rarely happy am I?
Which brings me to my point.
Ibiza.
You know, I was bear grylls up for it when Henry and I originally planned it. But things change. I don't know. Part of the reason I am so adverse to going is that i'm going to miss someone very special, and I don't want him to be worrying about me either. And secondly, I dunno. When Ben and I were sat looking through the brochure earlier, and like, everyone is just out to get their pants off and get STD's. I think when I originally dreamed up the idea, I thought it would be a few mates getting drunk in a different environment, but as it turns out, that's not how it's gonna roll.
Seven days is a long time.
I've ordered two hefty books. As long as I come back well read, with a tan and some cool pictures and the stamp in my passport, I will be happy. And I am coming to terms with the fact that this may be seven days I spend predominantly on my own.
I am rarely happy am I?
Oh Dear
My can of drink was hiding my sleeping tablet and i've just gone fucking crazy. Sheer panic and anxiety and where the fuck are those spare diazza's that I had? I had four left! Empty pill packets of various kinds have been flying everywhere, trying to search desperately for the last sleeping tablet that I have. Oh God, and then I necked four of my last six codiene to make up for it. And then I found my sleeping tablet.
I'm an addict. I've only just realised.
I'm an addict. I've only just realised.
Monday, 18 May 2009
A psychological nightmare
Oh God. Oh God.
Am I awake? Am I here? Am I real?
I can barely open my eyes. I'm so heavily sedated. I'm still 65% under.
Oh God thank you alarm. Thank you.
Quick. Write.
I'm throwing some sort of charity benefit. It starts off at a pub, somewhere. All my family are pitching in. There's bands. Everyone I know is there. Setting up. No, no wait. Before that. There's a party at my nan's house. I'm looking after Ben. He's tired, and we're trying to find somewhere for him to sleep, but all the beds are taken. Someone is having sex in one of them. In one of the corners of the room, there's a bird cage, with two mice in the bottom. The charity thing. Adam walks off and Ben follows him. They wont come back. I'm begging them. And they wont. Ben wont even talk me. I'm phoning. Tom, Tom goes with them. And he wont pick up. And then my Dad. And the woman. The woman she is. She is shouting. Screaming. She's trying to kill me. And so is my Dad. My family wont listen, I don't even think they can see me. I'm begging them. Just give me five minutes to pack a bag and i'll be gone and they'll never have to see me again. I'm begging them. I put Stella, in a handbag. A handbag i'd used the last time this happened with the reminents in. Fags. Sweets. A bottle of water. I have a cage. I put Joshua the hamster in it, and I grab my budgie. And I run. Someone is following me trying to stop me, but I keep screaming, there's no time, there's no time. I can't see, i'm crying, i'm crying. I'm looking at my Dad and begging him not to let me go, not to kill me, to turn on her and come with me but he's just staring at me blankly. I hug him and whisper in his ear, something like, 'i want you to remember every morning that you wake up what you did', and I run out the front door. And i'm runnning.
And I can't remember anymore. Oh God, thank you alarm. Sleep, you used to be my friend.
Am I awake? Am I here? Am I real?
I can barely open my eyes. I'm so heavily sedated. I'm still 65% under.
Oh God thank you alarm. Thank you.
Quick. Write.
I'm throwing some sort of charity benefit. It starts off at a pub, somewhere. All my family are pitching in. There's bands. Everyone I know is there. Setting up. No, no wait. Before that. There's a party at my nan's house. I'm looking after Ben. He's tired, and we're trying to find somewhere for him to sleep, but all the beds are taken. Someone is having sex in one of them. In one of the corners of the room, there's a bird cage, with two mice in the bottom. The charity thing. Adam walks off and Ben follows him. They wont come back. I'm begging them. And they wont. Ben wont even talk me. I'm phoning. Tom, Tom goes with them. And he wont pick up. And then my Dad. And the woman. The woman she is. She is shouting. Screaming. She's trying to kill me. And so is my Dad. My family wont listen, I don't even think they can see me. I'm begging them. Just give me five minutes to pack a bag and i'll be gone and they'll never have to see me again. I'm begging them. I put Stella, in a handbag. A handbag i'd used the last time this happened with the reminents in. Fags. Sweets. A bottle of water. I have a cage. I put Joshua the hamster in it, and I grab my budgie. And I run. Someone is following me trying to stop me, but I keep screaming, there's no time, there's no time. I can't see, i'm crying, i'm crying. I'm looking at my Dad and begging him not to let me go, not to kill me, to turn on her and come with me but he's just staring at me blankly. I hug him and whisper in his ear, something like, 'i want you to remember every morning that you wake up what you did', and I run out the front door. And i'm runnning.
And I can't remember anymore. Oh God, thank you alarm. Sleep, you used to be my friend.
Morning Has Broken....
As the old girl would say, a coathanger in the mouth.
STFU Comedy Paramount Central, i'm writing.
There, mute.
Butterflies in the tummy.
Self conciousness about breath, kissing, cuddling, squashing.
Doing nothing but talking 'til the early hours of the morning.
I will share no more of my happiness with you, for it is mine! And for the aforementioned reason...
So. I realised something tonight whilst talking to Ben. It's odd, I am so aware that I talk a lot around him. A lot about myself. As if he's some sort of counseller to me. I don't know. I trust him, and I like him to know everything about me, it just spews out of me like one of those things in a canal, but there is always the part of me that's shouting 'JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP KIM! SHUT UP AND STOP BEING A TYPICAL 'ME ME ME' WOMAN!'.
I'm digressing.
But, I was explaining the circumstances (from what I understand of it) of my parents divorce. And I realised whilst saying it out loud just how much I have in common with my Dad. And I really really appreciate that fact and would love to have more of a connection with him. He is a nice man, all my friends say that about him. He is very shy. He has a reasonable sense of humour on him. And when my mom left him, he was literally heartbroken. He had a breakdown and showed all the symptoms that I now demonstrate (cheers genes!).
But yeah. And the whole, him buying me a car thing. He's a good man. A decent man. He does look after me the best he can without his bitch wife complaining. (HAHA, NO CAR FOR YOU, YOU CAN'T DRIVE!). God, if I were to watch Father of the Bride right now I think i'd actually run up to him in tears and hug him.
HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO WATCH HOUSE.
Tonight was wonderful. It really really was. I keep repeating these same old shit adjectives (is that the right one? So long A grade English), but it is true. Perhaps the complexity of this happiness is so mind boggling that I have just turned into that drooling slow guy outta the cartoons that says, 'i'll love him and pet him and take really good care of him'.
Shit. Half Four.
However, it is not morning. It is night. For I have not yet slept. And those are the rules.
STFU Comedy Paramount Central, i'm writing.
There, mute.
Butterflies in the tummy.
Self conciousness about breath, kissing, cuddling, squashing.
Doing nothing but talking 'til the early hours of the morning.
I will share no more of my happiness with you, for it is mine! And for the aforementioned reason...
So. I realised something tonight whilst talking to Ben. It's odd, I am so aware that I talk a lot around him. A lot about myself. As if he's some sort of counseller to me. I don't know. I trust him, and I like him to know everything about me, it just spews out of me like one of those things in a canal, but there is always the part of me that's shouting 'JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP KIM! SHUT UP AND STOP BEING A TYPICAL 'ME ME ME' WOMAN!'.
I'm digressing.
But, I was explaining the circumstances (from what I understand of it) of my parents divorce. And I realised whilst saying it out loud just how much I have in common with my Dad. And I really really appreciate that fact and would love to have more of a connection with him. He is a nice man, all my friends say that about him. He is very shy. He has a reasonable sense of humour on him. And when my mom left him, he was literally heartbroken. He had a breakdown and showed all the symptoms that I now demonstrate (cheers genes!).
But yeah. And the whole, him buying me a car thing. He's a good man. A decent man. He does look after me the best he can without his bitch wife complaining. (HAHA, NO CAR FOR YOU, YOU CAN'T DRIVE!). God, if I were to watch Father of the Bride right now I think i'd actually run up to him in tears and hug him.
HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO WATCH HOUSE.
Tonight was wonderful. It really really was. I keep repeating these same old shit adjectives (is that the right one? So long A grade English), but it is true. Perhaps the complexity of this happiness is so mind boggling that I have just turned into that drooling slow guy outta the cartoons that says, 'i'll love him and pet him and take really good care of him'.
Shit. Half Four.
However, it is not morning. It is night. For I have not yet slept. And those are the rules.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Yep. Me again. Just enjoying the sleepers kicking in
I don't know. After re-writing my little profile blurb, I thought i'd share some of my pretty pictures i've taken on my DSLR. Just to show i'm not an emo that sits about slitting wrists and what-not. I wish I had more pictures than these, alas, I don't go anywhere beautiful or exciting or worth photographing at the minute. Enjoy. They're dead amateur. I'd only had the camera a few days or so when these were taken, so gimmie a break.
Staggered reflection
I've been thinking a lot today at work. In my few and far between spare moments to actually think. Adam and I really screwed each other up. Not in a nasty way. I know he suffers from this too. We spent virtually every single day together for five years. We were never apart (apart from work and study). We both felt this need to be with one another all the time and in the end, we ended up resenting one another. I appreciate and love the comfortable silence that you find yourself experiencing as a relationship matures. But I don't know. It shouldn't be all the time should it? It's nice to spend time apart, to miss each other and to collect stories so that the next time you see one another, you have things to share and you really appreciate one another's company. When you're married and have jobs and possibly children, that's the time when you sit in front of the telly in each other's arms all the time. That's when the comfortable silence really comes into play. But yes, this neediness. This, constant need to be around one another. We've both taken it along into our next relationships and I can only assume we did this to one another, because afterall, we were children, trying to make a grown up relationship and not having a clue.
You know what, I think i'm ready to try this one out.
You know what, I think i'm ready to try this one out.
Friday, 15 May 2009
I'm so spontaneous
Well. I had one more place left that I could apply to on my UCAS form.
It was either going to be for Nottingham, so I could go take Adam up on his offer of living up there with him.
Or to apply to some sort of design course, seeing as just a couple days ago I had the revelation that I wanted to get back into graphics.
But nope. I've just sent it off to Northampton Uni. Nurse training, ending up in probably a mental health speciality. More practical than sat in a classroom reading a massive textbook about Freud and bloody Genie. So yeah. If I get in. I'm going down the nursing route.
I've only told Henry. I don't think i'll tell anyone else, cuz they'll all moan. But yeah. If I get in. This is what i'm gonna go ahead and do.
Nurse Wood. Can you go and take a blood sample from the patient in room 9 please?
*faint*
I'll get over it...
It was either going to be for Nottingham, so I could go take Adam up on his offer of living up there with him.
Or to apply to some sort of design course, seeing as just a couple days ago I had the revelation that I wanted to get back into graphics.
But nope. I've just sent it off to Northampton Uni. Nurse training, ending up in probably a mental health speciality. More practical than sat in a classroom reading a massive textbook about Freud and bloody Genie. So yeah. If I get in. I'm going down the nursing route.
I've only told Henry. I don't think i'll tell anyone else, cuz they'll all moan. But yeah. If I get in. This is what i'm gonna go ahead and do.
Nurse Wood. Can you go and take a blood sample from the patient in room 9 please?
*faint*
I'll get over it...
Ha
You know what. I like taking loadsa sleeping tablets and codiene and then just fighting sleep. It's like delaying orgasm. Only the actual event lasts so much longer.
Here's to you sleep. Many happy REM.
Here's to you sleep. Many happy REM.
EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE EVER FALLEN IN LOVE....
I threw my nice pretty phone on the ground because 'new slang' started to play. I don't like her. She's irrational and angry.
But what does she do? Send a straight up, 'i don't think it's good for us to see each other anymore', and get out there first. Games games games. I HATE GAMES. It's all about who wins. Despite the aftermath of despair and sadness and misery and regret.
Does she 'discuss'? Lay the heart out on the table, wait for him to pull the trigger, but at least she can live on knowing she tried her best.
Tell him to face that it's over. Wait for a while. Wait for him to miss her, even though, me and you both know that probably wont happen.
Or does she carry on this charade? Seeing him, kissing him, laughing with him, having an amazing time with him, just knowing it isn't going anywhere. Well, it either leads to him wanting her, or him leaving her stranded here forever with this broken heart.
HE IS NOT HIM.
I'm just so confused. I'm so confused. All I want is for me and him. Benjamin and Kimmi. I know how happy we make each other. And I know that right now, Benji has other things to think about. I'm just so scared that i'm gonna lose him. I couldn't bare to lose him. I don't know. I really don't know. My friends have all told me in their own way to give up but I can't. I won't.
If I lost like, one more point on my happiness SIM scale, I would butcher my arm so bad right now.
As Tom would say. 'FML'
But what does she do? Send a straight up, 'i don't think it's good for us to see each other anymore', and get out there first. Games games games. I HATE GAMES. It's all about who wins. Despite the aftermath of despair and sadness and misery and regret.
Does she 'discuss'? Lay the heart out on the table, wait for him to pull the trigger, but at least she can live on knowing she tried her best.
Tell him to face that it's over. Wait for a while. Wait for him to miss her, even though, me and you both know that probably wont happen.
Or does she carry on this charade? Seeing him, kissing him, laughing with him, having an amazing time with him, just knowing it isn't going anywhere. Well, it either leads to him wanting her, or him leaving her stranded here forever with this broken heart.
HE IS NOT HIM.
I'm just so confused. I'm so confused. All I want is for me and him. Benjamin and Kimmi. I know how happy we make each other. And I know that right now, Benji has other things to think about. I'm just so scared that i'm gonna lose him. I couldn't bare to lose him. I don't know. I really don't know. My friends have all told me in their own way to give up but I can't. I won't.
If I lost like, one more point on my happiness SIM scale, I would butcher my arm so bad right now.
As Tom would say. 'FML'
Friday, 8 May 2009
Dear Diary
Dear diary.
I haven't forgotten about you. I'm just, emotionally exhausted. Any time I have to myself I just like to cuddle up and distract myself with television.
The past week:
Adam's mummy passed away.
Work has fucked me on fag breaks.
I missed counselling for the second time running.
Benji and I have spent a lot of lovely evenings together.
We also had a fight because I was a drunk twat, and i'm feeling awful about that.
I keep buying expensive clothes to help me feel better about things.
I had a tattoo on Wednesday
And another one on Thursday.
I have work early in the morning. So that is my update. I'll go into details later. I'm so stoned.
I haven't forgotten about you. I'm just, emotionally exhausted. Any time I have to myself I just like to cuddle up and distract myself with television.
The past week:
Adam's mummy passed away.
Work has fucked me on fag breaks.
I missed counselling for the second time running.
Benji and I have spent a lot of lovely evenings together.
We also had a fight because I was a drunk twat, and i'm feeling awful about that.
I keep buying expensive clothes to help me feel better about things.
I had a tattoo on Wednesday
And another one on Thursday.
I have work early in the morning. So that is my update. I'll go into details later. I'm so stoned.
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