Today's Thoughts

Today's thoughts my children, are on the subject of faith.
Upon return to my bedroom on New Years Day/the morning after. I switched off my television, I clasped my hands together, and I prayed for the first time in a very long time. I'd previously given up on 'him' when I'd spent a good two weeks begging for Benj to not have Leukaemia. But this was such a horrific thing for him not to listen to, I kinda 'gave up. But no.
Every single night for exactly 112 days, I went through the nightly ritual of saying my prayers. I prayed for his health and his happiness. I prayed for a good day at work. I prayed for the people I saw on biased documentaries on the television. I prayed for my parents. I prayed for Ben's parents. I prayed for Tom. But most importantly, every single night, I asked that Benj and I could be brought back together. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, I asked. But the night Benj took his overdose, I stopped. Fuck 'him'. Fuck everything 'he's' done to me and Ben. Fuck it all, it's just a game.
BUT.
Here we are.
And, like. During this same course of time, I never gave up on Benj. Everybody told me to leave it alone, just give up and move on. I fought everyone on this like i'd fought for nothing else in my life. I have remained faithful to my love for him.

So. I wonder. Tonight. Do I thank God? Is this his work? Or is it my own?
I think i'm leading onto the idea of faith vs. fate.