History Repeating.

The question is staring me in the face.
Is it me? Or the people I fall in love with?
There are so many thoughts entering my mind, I can't answer.
Perfectly applied mascara is running down my face.
I notice, I don't try to hide the fact that i'm crying, or wipe my tears anymore.
I love. So much. I would die for it.
And all I want. All I want, is for somebody to love me as much as I love them.
That's all I want.
I just want to be happy.
My life, is an everlasting nightmare.
Any good I get, is immediatley remidied with bad.
So much bad.
I don't know what else to say. How to end this. How to end it all.
Nobody would notice if I slipped away into the night.

The Outback Steakhouse Diaries.

The only two times I have ever been to that place, I was silently contemplating a fresh, significant breakup.
I had work today. But I was awake at 7am. My mind, pacing with anxiety.
As Winter draws closer.
As Christmas Eve, comes nearer.
As Christmas sets in.
As the New Year, begins.
I worry.
I worry, because I am not lucky in love.
I am me.
And it seems to me, that it is written that I must relive heartache, over, and over.
And over.
I will forever carry my heart in my throat, and hold my breath tight.
Because each time, I have known deep down.
But carried on in denial.
And now, I wonder, if I am just in denial.
If I will relive last Christmas, again.
And it plagues my mind over and over and over.
I lost the abilty to trust someone not to cheat on me. But I forgave him.
But now, I think I have lost the ability to trust somebody to love me.

And I am sure that I am destined to be alone.