Quote of the Day.

Psychology.
It's fucking fanstastic to be able to understand the deeper meaning of how and why we behave and do, but you need to be able to draw the line before you start looking too deep and second guessing yourself.

Yeah.
That sounded so much sweeter at 4am this morning.

The telly these days

I'm sad. I know that nobody else would understand because i'm stupid, and my head is stupid. I just read that they're stopping teletext. I know, I know. It just shows me how much time has passed and how it is forgetting those that have left us. The TV in my nan's room that i used to watch chidren's telly on on a saturday. My Dad bought that TV for my Grandad when he first got poorly because it was one of the first tellys with teletext on it, so he could read it whilst he was bed bound. It's gone. Just like him. Everything goes. I'll never come to terms with it. It'll always break my heart.

Make it so

So. Today was another shit day at work.
UNTIL IT BECAME THE DAY THAT I MET PATRICK STEWART!!
Luuuuuvvvvvv

Research

So.
I faced my daemons.
Or rather, my GP.
I sat there. and just stared at him blankly.
I am tired, I am fatigued, I am fed up with this circular trauma.
The symptoms are always the same.
I think I've explained them every which way I possibly can to him.
And I know it's not his fault, but he still gets information wrong.
He looked at me as blankly as I looked at him.
He didn't know what the psychiatrist's plan was. No more than I did.
I said as little as I possibly could. And he handed me half of my medication. With the warning that if I were to 'try anything', he'd 'kill me'.
My point is that I'd have to try something for me to ever be taken seriously, which is such an absurd contradiction because I'd either be locked up or dead if I did that.
Toying with the idea of taking all the pills earlier. Not out of eagerness to die. Just, curiosity as to how seriously I actually would be taken were I to survive.

I am turning myself into a guinea pig of the psychiatric profession. Noting, everything that's happening to me and everything that is said. I want to see how far I can go. How much I can take.

Rest In Peace

I think I should say something about my Uncle Neville.
I mean. I didn't really know him. I have vague memories of him as a child. But just like my Grandad, he is another old man who I will never have the pleasure of 'getting to know'.
Oh how I wish that I had my grandad. So I could sit and bewilder him with my fascination of the war and my resemblance of a grandson, rather than daughter.
I am sad, because it is death. And with death, although I cannot understand it, I know that I won't hear his name uttered again. It will fade away with his memory.
I am sad for my nan. I pray to you Lord, that my nan does not see her life with the same eyes that I do. Her life, is a battle. And as everyone she knows marches over the top, all these people that she has known and loved in her lifetime just fall down beside her, dropping like flies. She is a woman of exceptional courage and strength, for she manages to dust herself up and carry on. I am too stubborn to ever confess this to her, and I know I will regret this for all eternity when the time comes for it to be 'too late', but I love her. God bless her. And God bless you Uncle Neville.

Psychology

I officially throw my towel in.
The past couple years, have been a long and futile effort to try and maintain some control over my mental health.
But at the end of the day. I lose. Because the government say that doctors have only a small quota of patients that they are allowed to diagnose and medicate.
And I'm fucking fed up with trying to make the cut.
So tomorrow. I will tell the doctor exactly what he wants to hear.
I will allow him to take me off of all medication. And I will convert to my 'normal out of control' state.
I suppose it's because I don't scream for attention that I will kill myself 'unless' that I slip under the radar unnoticed.
God help me that I don't become another statistic.

A mere fantasy

If I were standing upon a balcony right now
(which God, I wish I fucking was!)
I would throw my champagne flute's worth of liquor over the side and say FUCK YOU! To happiness.
But instead. In real life. I will just pass out.

Little girls' fairytales

Everyone believes in a kind of magic.
An illusion that you can put all of your faith in.
Love is my magic.
It fills my world with happiness.

My only friend

The combination of things that my retinas have absorbed today, has left me in an emotional whirlpool. I fear, and I love, so passionately. It is on a great magnified scale. My thoughts are writing themselves into poetry. Which would be wonderful if the subject matter was just that, wonderful.
I love him, so much it pains me. And how I long for his suffering to end.
I have lit a candle. And said my words. And I leave the rest to you.

It's not me. It's the E talking.

NO. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU! STOP MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY! YOU ARE A FREAKIN' BLOG!!

Okay.
I am here to write about the fork in the road which I have faced. A transition in my life that I am fully aware of. A place that I suppose, in my naive mind, I never thought I'd be.
But here we are.
The death of a relationship.
The End.
And with it, dies all the memories, friendship, laughter, hatred and pain.
I hope, and I pray, that the lessons that I learned, will continue to live on through me throughout my life.
I think it really is time to file this chapter, and finally open up a brand new sparkling page.
For the good of everything.
But here I am. Ready. For my future.
The future that could never really start until I had shed the skin of my past.
My future (imminent), I am sure, could be easier. It could be simpler. And it probably could be a bit happier. But I have spent hours dwelling on this. Questioning my answers. Making sure this isn't the same old naive 16 year old speaking.
No.
I am ready. With my shield and my sword and my burning torch (yeah, I've got three arms). I am ready to go full throttle into the next chapter of my life.
My adolescence is finally going to bed for the last time.
I've loved. I've lost.
But what the future holds for me. With Benjamin. My hands itch with anticipation. My eyes sparkle with wonder and curiosity. And my heart.
My heart beats onwards.