"if the shoe don't fit, then that aint your shoe"

My life isn't interesting.
My life is just an ever evaporating bottle of wine. Labelled Shiraz, but really it's the discount 'House Red' you get from Lidl for under two pounds.
What a joke.

The butt of the joke

Just. Sat here. All dressed up. No where to go. No one to see. Eagerly waiting. Waiting for what? This is what my life is. And what it will probably always be.

A note to remember

Ugh.
The bitter taste of bile lingers in my mouth.

My point is. May it be just a metaphor, or the way I live my life, but I will walk on my own unless I am with my beloved.
And that is who I am.

PARRRTYYY!!!!

I've got a fantastic free house to do whatever the fuck I want in!!!!!!!
There should be some sort of, control I function to accentuate irony and sarcasm...

The unwritten silence

Tonight I reflect on the words I saw once outside the room where my AS level English Literature classes were held at Huxlow school. In bold font, probably arial, printed in black on white paper, and then framed in bright blue sugar paper.

"It only takes three weeks for people to notice a change for the better."

I don't fully understand how they worked out the measurement in time, but the memory of those words has stuck with me all these years. And I suppose I can only shamefully hold my hand up and say that I have been too lazy to try it out for myself.

So we'll call this a social psychological experiment.
I shall be a Yes man. Woman. Whatever. For every negative thought I have, I will instantly think of it's polar opposite.

And let's see what happens.

I've been very anti-social today. Or rather, i've felt it. But I have this need to be in company. And I had nice company. Henry kept me company during the day whilst I awaited Benji's results, and Tamar kept me company this evening whilst we drove about Tesco's (that's to multiple Tesco's, not actually driving inside the shop), looking for rollers. I do love the company of understanding friends who know when I'm having a rough time. And I hope they don't find the silences awkward, because I don't. I love comfortable silence. It's beautiful. The unsaid, unwritten word.

I have work in a few hours. I probably wont be able to sleep, but it's okay. Night time is very peacefull and a time for the mind to ponder and regenerate.

Waitin' on a sign from you

I am in a state of quiet panic.
Waiting for a text.

A quiet plea

I can't pray tonight.
Because if the unthinkable happens, then I will be angry at whoever I asked to grant my wish, and this is not what prayer is about.
But please. The powers that be.
I love him. He doesn't deserve anymore.

The dent in my finger...

Why has she forwarded me her stupid 'hilarious' chain mails?
Maybe she's demoted me to an acquaintance? I mean, that's the sort of thing you email to your acquaintances. They say, 'Hi. I can't be bothered to actually communicate with you, but here's some piece of bollocks with many funny pictures and mis-spelt words of wisdom for you to have a tickle over on your lunch break. You're in my address book'.

The tightened sock around my arm

Seriously 1am?

Are you sitting comfortably? I'm not. I think I'm sitting on a phone. But the stream of thought is too great to stop. Even for a second. I shall sacrifice my own comfort for the sake of the empty blog that no one reads...

Tonight's quandary is love.
You must understand, that this is all coming from someone who is both naive and completely uneducated on the matter of biology. But nonetheless;

LOVE.

What on Earth is it? I mean, it's an emotion, I get that much. But, anger is an emotion. Sadness is an emotion. And these are helped, if not controlled by chemicals in your body. But where does the love chemical come from? There isn't one. So what the hell is this emotion. A person of my age, stereotypically, should be using this time to 'party' and 'meet people' and 'FUCK LOTS OF PEOPLE'. But I am so infatuated with a boy. I LOVE him. I want to MARRY him. I accept him for all of his faults and I still think about him constantly and wonderfully like a princess thinks about her prince longingly all day up in her castle. But why? Who, or what decided it was him? Was it fate? Did cupid literally shoot an arrow into my arse when I first set eyes on him all those years ago? Or is it just this incomprehensible force around us that leads me to these uncontrollable feelings I have for this boy. Personally, I believe it's all three.
But my point is;
If it really is this unprovable, invisible 'energy', then what others are there out there?

Oh I love him so much. Love love love. It's a stupid word that has lost all meaning. How can four letters describe what I am feeling?! Of course it can't!

I could even equate this to the comparison of - what is God? This energy, this unprovable, invisible, incomprehensible energy that cannot be described or explained in three letters.

Chew on that bitches.

Pills pills pills

Swallow down my usual concotion of tablets. With extra painkillers. Painkillers are safe. I am a walking cliche of everything this generation is. Mindless. I eyes are imploding inside of my head right now. Which is good. Gives me something to concentrate on. I keep feeling the need to call 'her'. The further away I get from the situation, the more I feel that it was just a silly little argument. But it wasn't. The things she said to me were so hurtful and unforgiveable.

ENOUGH.

The pain in my head. Hours. My head is in a vice. So much pressure being placed on it.
Still, there's always sushi and banoffee pie and the fact that my bollocking from my manager has been posponed until tomorrow. Yep. Miss impatient has to wait to be bollocked. That's nice.

Man I wish I had my peep show boxset. I could really do with a bit of peep show.

Fuck it. Series two, here I come.

Psychotic Afternoon

I love the idea of mass hysteria. A huge group of people in panic. Group think. Unconscious copycat syndrome.
Real fear only happens in numbers.

EDIT

I had to delete that last post. I don't want to remember what she said to me.